it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
