Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
