I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
