I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
