I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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