I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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