Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
