Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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