his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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