it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
