There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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