I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
