why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
