you would pick up someone in the library
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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