So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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