KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
