I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
