i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
