woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
