the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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