I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
