can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
