my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
