we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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