His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
