hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they need to just BURY HIM!
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
