I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
