it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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