does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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