My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
