Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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