I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
