So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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