my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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