Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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