So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
