Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
