my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
