can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
