Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
