I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
