i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
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You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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