You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
