Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

we have pet lesbian snakes

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening

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(314): View more from Missouri

Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE

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