Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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