My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
