I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
