Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Your face is a jimmy john
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
