I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
