Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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