I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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