Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
