even my farts smell like vagina
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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