I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
